Keep Shakin’ It Baby: Can I bag a Cougar please?

According to one definition on urbandictionary.com, a Cougar is: “An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity — particularly the true hotties — as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.”

I would’ve written my own definition, but that one seemed too accurate not to use. And I can tell you that I most definitely want me a cougar. I mean, why the fuck not? I have no qualms about being taken care of by an older woman in exchange for my dick. Being with a cougar is like selling yourself for sex, but while also maintaing your dignity. Instead of working the streets and sleeping with random, toothless, drunk fiend bitches, why not seek refuge in a mcmansion somewhere with a cougar?

Cougars often are divorcees that have fucked over their prior husband(s) by taking him (them) for all he’s (they’re) worth. And that means money is present, which also means that if you’re in a relationship with a cougar, that they will have the dough to spoil you. Lately, I have been trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life post-college. The best idea I’ve had so far is to go to Florida, meet a Cougar, and move in with her for at least the next year. That way, I can get my freak on while also having everything provided for me. With this financial climate, it wouldn’t be so bad to have some security….if you can’t find a job, screw a cougar; disposable income should be their middle name. 

Young penis has such a big market value that middle aged woman actively seek it out. Typically it is the guy that has to do all the work in the pursuit for romance, but that is not the case with ‘dem Cougs. When I was in Naples over spring break, my friends and I went out every night. And sure enough, there was always a wide assortment of cougars present…all of which gladly talked to us. Some woman pine for an anti-aging cream, while others just want to get fucked by someone more than half their age. I will gladly be that guy, as I am sure many others will too. Ashton Kutcher, as far as I am concerned is the king of Cougar recipients. Demi Moore is an attractive and successful woman—one that any man should be proud to call his own. But, what makes Kutcher king is that he has even been able to develop a friendly relationship with Moore’s ex, Bruce Willis. For Cougar seekers, the scariest thing could be a confrontation with an ex-husband, but Ashton has conquered that, and in the process has become friends with one of Hollywood’s biggest badasses. 

There should be a school dedicated to proper Cougar relations, i.e. how to get one’s attention, how to rock their world in the bedroom, how to balance young living with old loving, etc. I don’t know who should write the curriculum, but surely it should be someone with some cougar experience. 

Cougars are also the best option for people that have commitment issues because more often than not a relationship with a cougar is temporary. Sometimes a woman just needs to regain some self-confidence so she tries to sleep with a young guy. For if one succeeds, then they can be proud of having slept with someone with virility, as opposed to someone who needs an hour notice before sex in order to pop a Viagra. But, whatever the reason an older woman wants to be with a younger guy, typically the relationship won’t last years.

Advice to guys seeking cougars: get all the video games, clothing, gold-plated watches, and alcohol paid for while you can. Let them teach you a thing or two about how to please a girl, because chances are they have had more than their fair share of both good and bad sexual experiences. Being with a cougar can be looked upon as a form of graduate school….only it will yield more valuable information and lessons than a typical class would. Always remember to compliment your cougar, make her feel good about herself, make her feel as though she too is as young as you. It is nice to know that even if we don’t find the fountain of youth that we can always fuck someone younger than us to regain some of that glory.

Though in theory being with a cougar would be sweet, I think the reality is that it would be sort of weird. What if your cougar has kids? Does that make you a step-pepper? Do you have to take the kids to the park and play with them? Also the age discrepancy between you and your cougar can pose problems. Ultimately, there is not a lot a 20 year old and a 55 year old can relate on. And beside, it may be too much like dating your own mother…..I don’t know about you, but I do not suffer from the Oedipus complex. 

But when all is said and done, Milfs and Cougars are still pretty cool, mainly because they are experienced and can shower their lover with gifts, and I like gifts.